Packing it Away

Our match is now officially a mis-match.

After speaking with her on the phone several times, and planning a trip out to meet her, we found out yesterday afternoon that the birthmom was actually working with several agencies in several states, receiving duplicate payments to cover her monthly expenses from many couples through many agencies. I do realize that this is a unique situation, and is by no means representative of the majority of amazing birth moms out there who make hard decisions in the best interests of their children, but I can’t help but feel jaded by the experience. We are glad that we learned about it all now (rather than showing up at the hospital for the birth of the baby along with at least one other couple who thinks they will be taking the baby home, too), but when it’s the one thing you have wanted and worked toward for so long, it’s hard to see the silver lining or understand any of it.

We are trying to figure out what to do next. I’m precariously close to giving up. It would have been hard to find out that she decided to parent her child – but I would have ultimately understood, and respected, that decision. This I don’t understand. I don’t understand how anyone can treat their child like a commodity. I don’t understand why it has to be so hard for us to start a family every step of the way. I don’t understand why this situation had to happen to us. I don’t understand how someone can be so cold-hearted, and deliberately prey on the emotions and vulnerabilities of others. I don’t know how I will trust anyone ever again in any type of potential adoption situation.

I feel like I’m the punchline to some cosmic joke. Needless to say we’re devastated.

I had allowed myself to start planning a nursery. We had discussed possible names. We had told close family members, and given ourselves permission to feel some measure of excitement and joy. Now I’m carefully packing it all away – the names, the paint chips, the talk of baby showers, the love we had already started to feel for the little one…

I’m gutted.