Boy Names

Aaron, Parker, Samuel….

We recently submitted our profile for consideration to a birth family that is expecting a boy in October. It represented a huge step for us, since it was the first time that our profile was actually viewed by a birth family. We realized that our being selected was a long-shot, and I thought I had absorbed and processed that fact.

Elijah, Jack, Luke….

Although I tried to distance myself emotionally from the situation (a kind of self-preservation tactic in case we weren’t ultimately selected) I found myself unusually preoccupied with boy names. I started to pay increased attention to every male name that crossed my path – whether in TV show credits, or in my email contacts.

Josiah, Jeremy, Ethan…

I was fixated, and I’m not entirely sure why. I have a loooong list of girl names at the ready, but don’t have the same list compiled of boy names. It’s not that I have a preference for a girl. Instead, I think it has more to do with the fact that there seems to be many more unusual little girl names out there - or at least there are more that I have heard and immediately fallen in love with.

Drew, Noah, Josh…

We found out on Friday that the birth family selected another adoptive family for this particular little guy. I also discovered on Friday that I had deluded myself into thinking I could protect myself emotionally from this incredibly emotional process.

Glorious Rain

A true thunderstorm rolled through today.  Thunder clapped, lightning flashed, and the skies opened, releasing sheets of torrential rain.  Our parched, southwestern landscape just soaked it all up.  Everything is cool and fresh and clean and rejuvenated.  


I love the rain.

Confession #2: The Guilt Factor

I have been struggling lately with the concept of guilt - especially as it pertains to the adoption process.


I have always wanted to be a mother, to share my life and my love with a child.  That I can become a mother through adoption is a miraculous concept to me.  But I admit - I'm impatient.  I can't wait for the day when I can hold that little peanut and know that I'm a mom, that we belong together, that this time spent waiting and hoping and praying has been so incredibly worth it.


And that's when the guilt kicks in.


Because, in order for me to become a mother there will have to be another woman out there who finds herself in a less than ideal situation.  Who has to struggle with the implications and ramifications of an unplanned or unexpected pregnancy.  Who has to weigh her options, and make decisions that will have life-altering, lasting consequences.


So, each time I hope for the joy of a match, I can't help but think of the woman who will be ultimately grieving a loss...and it makes my heart hurt.

Confession #1: My last attempt at blogging was a complete and utter disaster.

Let me qualify that.  

My first and only attempt at blogging was at the beginning of my one and only IVF attempt.  I’m embarrassed when I think back on that post because it was bitter and full of doubt.  I was angry that my husband and I hadn’t been successful with our many infertility treatments thus far, and (if I’m really honest with myself) I had a sneaking suspicion that IVF wouldn’t work either.  After 35 years of being a glass-half-full kind of gal, I didn’t even recognize myself.

What a difference a….year and a half (wow) makes.  My husband and I are thrilled with the prospect of adopting, and patiently (somedays more that others) waiting for a match.  Though a frequent reader of blogs, I find the whole blog-o-sphere intimidating in the extreme.  But – it has also been extraordinarily helpful to read the thoughts, perspectives, and experiences of those brave souls who are willing to share their journeys.  It is in that spirit that I wave hello, and dip my toe in the pool.  My hope is that I will use this blog to process through my feelings as we travel this bumpy adoption road.  I’d also like to have a record of the entire journey – warts and all.

We’ll see how it goes.  I’m anxious to get started.